I was shopping this morning and this song came on over the speakers. I got so completely lost in the lyrics and the timing was great. I did not not realize that I was singing so loudly until a gentleman came over from the next aisle and told me that he was enjoying my mini concert in the pasta aisle. Lol. Life is about changes, good and bad, some that break our hearts and others that enrich us in ways that we will never be the same….but the key is to make the change when you can.
Where ever you are today, if you are free as a bird or bound by the situations of life….keep striving toward newer heights. Keep soaring until you have tapped out every level of each of your gifts, talents and capabilities. There are times when life clenches down hard on each of us, but it is in those times that you have to push back even harder. Yes, it is tough, but you are building a strength that you will need and use further along your journey.
Do what it takes til you touch the sky….journey on, journey strong.
There is an old saying that says that blood is thicker than water. Well, blood might be thicker but that doesn’t always mean that it is better.
Just because you share DNA with someone or perhaps you even came from the same womb does not mean that you have to keep connections that are toxic to who you are and how you are.
You cannot control what people say about you, but you can control your reaction and you can set boundaries with people who continue to practice bad behaviors toward you.
I have often heard people say to others, “that is your brother”, or “that is your sister”…..and? What if that brother or sister is Hell bent and determined on destroying your name and casting out false perceptions about you every chance they get? Why on Earth would you continue to walk into that same web? You wouldn’t. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love them. This doesn’t meant that you don’t forgive them. This does mean that you love and respect your peace enough to avoid unhealthy people. Some people you have to love at a distance, don’t let them make you feel guilty for doing so. Believe me, they know why.
I am the first one to say that I believe in the power of saying thank you. I say thank you for everything. I say thank you to the people who bag my groceries at the supermarket, I say thank you to the clerk, I say thank you and show appreciation to most anyone that provides a service or anyone who has taken the time to think of me for any reason. Thank you’s are powerful and necessary, except in one case, funerals.
When my mother passed a few years back, of course it was the worst and most terrible time of my life. I was literally feeling my way through the days by small moments at a time…second after second. Of course, there was planning, family drama, more planning and after the service and dinner all that I was left with was the absence of my mother. I was surrounded by her things, the sweet smell of her night gown, flowers, food but the one thing that I wanted more than anything was my Momma and sadly that would never be again on this side of Heaven. A relative kept pressing me to get thank you notes sent out to people who had sent flowers and food, but I could not wrap my head around sitting down and thanking people for being there for something that I did not even want to happen. I was expected to send out notes to thank people for something that I had not even fully processed yet. I tried the first week, I tried again the second week, I tried again and again, and eventually the timing just seemed to be off after a while.
I had heard that some people had expressed their displeasure in not receiving a thank you from the family, but here is what I have to say to that….I am sorry. My lack of expressing a thank you does not represent any type of ingratitude for the sentiments that you expressed during such a horrible time of grief. The pressure to do one more thing was overwhelming and while I can do a lot of things, I could not pull that one final act out of the hat. I will also say if someone is waiting to be thanked, then they also need to check their own hearts and their intentions in giving and doing what they did.
In terms of birthdays, weddings, baby showers, bridal showers, anniversaries….I think that the etiquette of extending a thank you should be upheld. The only thing that should be expected for people who are reeling from loss and grief is that they wake up and put one foot in front of the other, that’s it. The etiquette of an unsaid thank you should be enough for a heart that is breaking.
I watched a Dr. Phil episode about a woman who wanted to kill her parents and her brother. As I sat and watched this episode I realized that this woman was not mentally ill, but rather she hated herself and projected that onto her family by making herself a victim, a victim not of what her family did, but a victim of who they were and who she wanted to be.
Her family was surprised to find out that she even felt the way that she did. They had no idea that she hated them and wanted them dead, but this is not an uncommon thing. We know people in our everyday lives that feel the same way about us. It is sad to discover that someone who should be in your corner and loving you, secretly champions your demise.
What that woman needs to know is that regardless of who she wanted to kill or see dead, it still would not change that she was still her. Perhaps she thought that in getting rid of her objects of hate, that she would eventually feel better about herself, but of course that is not the case. You can wish for someone’s demise but even after they are gone, it still doesn’t change who you are, the things you have done, what you look like, where you have been, none of that changes; you are still looking at the person that you hate the most in the mirror and that is …..you.Â
So this woman brought her family on national TV to tell the world how horrible her family was to her, but her family was just kind of shocked and asking each other what did they do. Turns out they really didn’t do anything.  If Dr. Phil not had rightfully divided what this woman was saying, the TV audience would have been left thinking that her family was horrible wretched people.  When people can’t physically kill you, they will destroy how people view you, how they regard you, they will attempt to kill your character with the subtleties of their conversations in an effort to make themselves appear to be “good”. When someone can’t physically kill you they will interfere with your life in everyway possible, they will interfere with relationships, they will take your weakness (past or present) and magnify it in a way that when they spread their hate about you, they will bring it up…well you know how she is.   I have someone that hangs on the old me, the fiery me, the tell you off in a hot minute me, and all that was me….several years ago.  It is funny how the people who refuse to confront their past are the same ones who will not let you forget yours.Â
How do you handle people like this? Distance helps and limited communication helps. Yes, some people no matter how much you would like to have them in your life, are just not safe. Their assignment is to get you off your track, therefore you have to make a conscious effort to remain true to who you are now, not who they want everyone to believe you still are. Staying true to yourself is really the key, because it is only who you show yourself to be at this point that will dispel anything that is said about you in the shadows.
At the end of the day, until someone learns to love themselves and not only who they are, but also come to terms with where they have been and the things they have done, they will never be at peace with themselves. This means that they will not be at peace with a lot of people, especially those who remind them of what they are not or what they think they should be. They will always feel shorted and instead of becoming the best possible versions of themselves, they destroy the objects of their jealously and hate. What can you do? Keep your distance, love them at a distance and pray. You don’t have to keep giving people like this access to your life, they only want to get close enough to you to learn how to destroy it. Believe me , I have lived with this for my whole life and I just can’t do this anymore, I am backing away much like I would from an attacking animal. It is necessary and a darn shame all at the same time.
Several years back my mother took ill and was in the hospital for a while. Her hospital room was bombarded by people that haven’t seen her or bothered with her in years. A group of about 10 -12 people stopped by after a funeral. I entered my mom’s hospital room to see people who my mom had been missing and trying to reach for the past few years with no return and now they show up? A few of those people, one in particular, was angry with my mom for not going to a funeral. My mom’s sister, her last sibling, passed away a few years before and she was angry with my mom for not going to the funeral. It was my mom’s right to determine what she could handle, not anyone else’s. It was told to me that this person was at the repass discussing how my mom would have to live with the fact that she did not go to her own sister’s funeral and after that she did not talk to my mom until visiting her at the hospital. Needless to say I was angry. It did not help that I had siblings who never even liked that side of the family or me, but was now siding in with them and playing the part of the “peacemaker”. The bonds that are formed out of dislike and hatred are truly and indeed strange.
After the group left, my mom became sick to her stomach and later said that it was good to see everyone, but that it was just too much right now. With that, I restricted visitors but then immediately was accused of keeping the family away from my mom. Okay…. so the people who didn’t bother with her, never called her, was angry with her for not going to her sister’s funeral and never called her, are now accusing me of keeping them away from her? They kept their own selves away from her. My only goal was getting my mom well. I was not interested in appeasing their guilty consciences for how they treated her.
It is funny how we as a society have mastered the art of saying good bye to someone, but we can’t help them live. We can show up at a funeral, but can’t we show up in everyday life for those that we say we care about. Even after my mom became better, it went right back to no one calling her or paying her any mind, the only problem was that I was still being blamed for what they did not care to do.
Hospitals and funerals are no place for family reunions. We have a responsibility to help people thrive each day. Don’t sit around and wait to say goodbye to someone, help them live!!!!
