Not Who I Was

It is funny how the adversary will continue to do the same things in an effort to knock you off course. The things that I used to get mad at, irate at…..I just kind of shake my head now and move on.  This afternoon a notion passed through my mind that said in order for me to “have anything healthy”, healthy relationships, healthy affiliations… etc.  that I was going to have to completely separate myself from a person that I have known for almost 20 some years.  I kind of tucked that away in the back of my mind until stumbled across something this evening that confirmed that notion.    I have come to the conclusion that there are people who don’t want you to be okay because they are not okay themselves and sometimes you have to leave people where they are at and pray that they look in the mirror…… not to straighten the mask that they wear, but to take it off and look at themselves and the things that they knowingly to do others to cause pain, division, or just being manipulative. The spirit of provocation is alive and knocking at the door, but I refuse to answer it…..I am not perfect, but I thank God that I am not who I was…. 

Good Soil

Some men and women (sorry ladies!) are like simple farmers.  A simple farmer will be standing on good soil, warm and rich, deep beneath their feet ready for planting, but the simple farmer refuses to work the land.    If you know anything about farmers you should know that they know their land and what they don’t know they spend time with it, look for changes, watches how it responds to certain things.  They have a relationship with their land.  Sounds weird but it is true.  Hey you with the dirty mind!  Stay on the clean side of the street there buddy!  lol

A friend told me a few days go that relationships should be easy, there should be no work.  What!  I  agree to a certain extent.  A relationship with someone should not be some laborious call of duty that you check in for day in and day off.  Oh no – I am running away like Forrest Gump from that.  There is however, a certain kind of work that doesn’t seem like work at all….there is a quiet joy of getting to know someone and growing to love them more and more everyday.  The work should be fun with things like making dinner together, Redbox nights, late night phone calls, random good mornings texts, trips to the museum, or just people watching at the local shopping center.  It should also be a healthy balance of being a part and just being you sometimes….that will make the time you spend together so much more special.

Sadly, people don’t want to take the time to experience the magic of  two hearts opening up to each other.  It doesn’t happen overnight, it happens over time.  Time is the sealant between each moment and lays a foundation for what will hopefully be a lifetime of love, traditions, and memories.

Don’t be a simple farmer….if you have someone that you know is “good soil”, it might tender well to explore and create opportunities to see what type of harvest you could make together.   So often we gravitate toward people who we have that “connection” with right away.   I just don’t want a connection, I want a masterpiece, built over time and strong enough to withstand that storms of life.

A connection

A Masterpiece   …see the difference?

Emerging From the Wilderness, Don’t Look Like Where You Have Been

Last summer I went on a hike through a nature trail.  What I thought was a fun idea turned out to be quite the adventure.  On the hike there were views of rolling of hills, skylines, enchanting ponds just off the paths and at times a deafening silence spanning the rolling green canvas.  The hike was rewarding overall, but as I emerged from the trails there were some clear signs that I have just been in a forest.  I had scratches on my legs, face, and arms where tiny branches snapped back or didn’t move at all…oopsy me. Unbeknownst to me, I served as a buffet for some tough critters who fought through the layers of bug spray to grab a taste of my skin….ugh!  Bottomline:  I made it through, but the problem is that I looked like where I have been, in the wilderness.  While the hike was good for me physically, I had a lot of explaining to do when I attended a dinner party later that evening.

Spiritually speaking, we will all have at some point what is called a wilderness experience.  The wilderness experience is a place where we can go through loss, being alone, confusion, a bad relationship, rejection, and the list goes on.  Through all of those things, however, this experience can produce a deeper faith in God and endurance to “run on and see what the end is gon’ be.  So often, when we go through storms, we turn to too much food, hang on to something too long, stop praying, stop reading the Word, or turn to other unhealthy habits that can affect us in the long run.

Oh goodness, there is soooo much that I want to expound on about the wilderness experience, but let me bottom line this now with the purpose of this particular post…..

The wilderness is not comfortable.  We don’t always understand why we go through it, but it is as necessary as that breath you just took and what you learn, gain, and lose in the wilderness is preparing you for where God is taking you. What I have learned while on the verge of emerging from my own wilderness is that it is so very important to take care of yourself while you are in this in experience.  While you want to take and apply what you learn there, it is important not to look like where you have been.  Don’t allow this experience to damage you (gain weight, emotional and physical problems, bitterness, depression, a guarded heart, etc) in a way that you cannot stand or operate in your purpose after you emerge……. 

What do you do if you find yourself in what may be a wilderness experience?  You need to check into the best GPS system ever for direction….Prayer to God and His Holy Word!!! If you “stop” or sit down in the wilderness and yield to your circumstances you will die there, your purpose will die there….get up, get moving and seek God for His direction!!!!!  Ready, set, go!  Hey you are not moving  fast enough lol….move!

On the Journey…….

Mother Bear

I have held my peace with a person for well over a year. Tonight, I found out something that involved the safety of children, which put me at my limit. I went off….not completely off but just enough for some good footage (yep). This person proceeded to video tape me as I was yelling at him.  Just like the devil, trying to make a big deal out of something that you did in response to his abuse, negligence, and manipulations.  So sick of seeing and hearing abuse. I am sick of a person tolerating abuse for the sake of having a man in her life and not for the safety and mental well-being of her children. I am sick of the isolation and destruction that came with this thing… this thing that clothed itself and posed as “love”. Quite surprised at myself because “old me from way back and around the way” would have opened up that “special can” to take care of business but I think God snatched that from me a while ago. Say what you want.  Cast that first stone, but I will not apologize, ever, for standing up for children, no one should.

You and I

I heard this song playing on the radio while riding home a few nights ago.  After watching this video I love this song even more.  Isn’t this what every women wants to hear and know?  With all of the things that women go through, it is an absolute blessing to have the man in your life understand and still know in his heart that you are the most amazing and beautiful woman for him.    I don’t know when that will happen for me… I pray that it happens for you and  if you have this type of amazing love and acceptance from the man in your life, treasure it with gratitude, and reciprocate it with grace.  

We Both Know

Woke up not long ago with this song in my head.  Beautiful song.

Someone on YouTube ask what the first verse of the song was saying this was my response:
I will explain what it means to me…”They all say it, all the ones who made, once you find the one you claim it but you’re gonna have to fight.  When I think back, the things that threw us off track, we handled like a heart attack cuz we didn’t see the light.”

Sometimes love is easy, you fall right in and sail on.  Other times, the love is there, but there are obstacles that you have to fight through in order to come together.  Sometimes if you are not careful, you can deal with those obstacles in a way that is damaging to your relationship (handle them like a heart attack) and fall a part instead of becoming stronger together and really seeing the light in your love.  This is what I know- there are pages in my heart that speak to this all too well.

Funny how a song can capture the unspoken words of the heart……..

My Man Boots

As I was digging out my winter boots this weekend I remembered a conversation that I had last winter.  Margie, a co-worker, stopped by my desk to chat about the adventures of getting to work the morning of a snow storm.  This is often something that is done in the office, especially in the middle of a winter storm.  It is a way to kind of relax, de-stress and prepare to work the rest of the day.  Margie, is always fun to talk to.  She is super trendy and over all just a hoot.  I asked her how her trek into work went and she onto to tell me how she sat by the window sipped hot cocoa and watched her husband shovel the sidewalk and snow from around their car.  Always with an amusing story, I listened and enjoyed.  Then she mentioned her boots and she kicked her leg out with a little sass and then with a gasp stopped and looked down at my boots. 

She said sadly, “Those look like man boots”.  It took me a minute to gather my thoughts and  to realize that she wasn’t kidding, she was serious.  I couldn’t be mad, they did look like man boots, I eventually agreed with her then explained to her my morning and how I got to work.

You see Margie:

While you were watching your husband shoveling snow from the warmth and safety of your window, these boots kept me warm while I was shoveling the walks and the snow from around my car.

I know they are not the most fashionable boots, but while your husband was driving you to work to keep you safe from the traffic, a little nervous to drive myself, I left my car parked.  These boots kept my feet dry and toasty while I walked almost two miles to the bus stop in about 6 inches of snow with more snow coming down. 

Yes they look like man boots, but while I was standing at the bus stop the soles of these boots, like a man, were firm and strong enough to protect me from the cold snow beneath my feet, yet….. the furry insides of my man boots were soft and caressed my heels, the slope of my arches, to the very tip of my toes. 

You see Margie, I want to wear sassy stiletto boots, but in my life right now it is function before fashion and with a man (which would be nice!  hey I’m just sayin) or without a man, I am going to do what I need to do.  So I guess we are both blessed.  You are blessed that you have a husband who is willing and able to shovel and chauffeur and I am blessed that I can do these things myself.

We talked a little more about her super sassy boots and them we waved each other on.  Good old Margie…..sighing.

That’s it folks function before fashion.  One day perhaps I will be blessed with a husband. The soft furr of my man boots will be replaced with the soft furr on his chest. Rurrrr…..Okay that was too much!   Who knows maybe I will have both, maybe I might want to help him shovel – but the question for now is ….. Do I want to rock in some red stiletto boots and break my neck or do I take care of business and get to where I need to go…I pick the latter.  Besides, it would be different if I didn’t know how to sass things up a bit, I do, believe me I do….lol.   Until then it is just me and my man……boots. 

Odd Ball…and It’s Okay

I am an odd ball.  I have never fit in and thank goodness I have never had the desire to fit in.  There is this music that flows from my heart and I have enjoyed dancing to every beat of it.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the “music” of others, I do, I completely do…..but time after time it seems like I am dancing “The Carlton” while everyone else is doing the bus stop or the running man or some other cool dance (okay – are those still cool? lol)  Anyway, I am sure you know what I mean.

While I have always known that I am a little different, for the first time in my life I accept it…. and I am okay with it.  I am not going to have “game or swagger” with men and know all of the right things to say to them. Hopefully the right one will be captivated by my quirkiness and love me anyway.  I will probably always have a hair out of place or start pondering the universe with people who could care less…. this list could go on and
I am not going to fight it or beat myself up anymore….I am me and while I am me I still have some more work to do to be a better version of me, of who God created.
So my friends, are you loving on you today and most importantly are you loving on the God who made you.
Remember you are a fingerprint of God….unique in your own special way, don’t fight it.